getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
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Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
time for some seasonal decor
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.