[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
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A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card