Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
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Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Bike is short for Bichael.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.