There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
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Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Nice try, poison.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.