I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
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If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?