Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
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BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Need this in my life lol
he’s doing your taxes
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
My ideal weight is five million dollars
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”