Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
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How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
🤣🤣💀
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.