Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
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I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…