I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
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Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Cats (2019)
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this