“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
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Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
This is enough internet for the day.