No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
You Might Also Like
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
mood
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?