If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
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I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
How to find Kentucky on a map
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?