Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
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“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
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Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.