Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
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Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
5 ways to appear taller
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.