website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
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Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
I put the h in mysterious.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.