My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
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I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
smartest karate player in the world
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one