if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
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I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.