“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
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Want to talk trash? Recycle.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
wtf is a larm clock?
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day