It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
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PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
*has no idea what a book even is*
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you