When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
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Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
🙂🙃🥹
man: wait
time: no
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.