[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
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[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.