One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
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My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
🦝🔥🦝🔥
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.