I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
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I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”