The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
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The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.