Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
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“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Every photo I’m tagged in
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*