dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
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kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.