for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
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When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife