OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
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What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.