You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
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Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Planet of the Apps.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
it must be school picture day
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job