Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
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No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.