The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
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Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
The first one, obviously
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send