I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
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Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough