My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
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*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it