Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
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Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
This is amazing.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.