I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
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PER MY LAST EMAIL
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
What a chick magnet..
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call