“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
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Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
For anyone who needs this today
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Pandas 🐼🖤
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.