Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
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Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
and this one
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned