Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
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Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.