Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
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“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.