becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
You Might Also Like
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come