Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
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Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
is this meant to deter me