Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
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Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
my dog when i have a friend over
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.