Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
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Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
how high up are we talkin’?
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist