Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
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6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
*seductively peels off lederhosen
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.