“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
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Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*