Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
You Might Also Like
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj