According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
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wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly