The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
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I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Lube but for my dry humor.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit