Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
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Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
The devil.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Not today.. 😂
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.