This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
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GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.